Hilarious Forwards I've received

Young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice woman he could, and taking a little kiss here and there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive woman herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new "action." She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and they took care of business. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one helluva time!"



A man walks into a bar and orders two drinks. As the bartender watches he drinks one drink and pours the other one on his hand. He orders two more drinks and does the same thing. The third time the bartender asks him what's going on. "Why are you pouring that drink on your hand"? The man smiles at him , winks and says "I'm trying to get my date drunk".
There once was a farmer who had four daughters. He was in the habit of worrying about his daughters and always answered the door with a shotgun. One night he hears a knock on his door and finds a young man standing there. The young man says, "My name is Freddy, I've come to pick up Betty. We're going out for spaghetti, I hope she's ready." The farmer thought that was cute so he let them go out. Pretty soon another knock was heard on the door and another young man was there. He said, "My name is Vance. I've come for Nance. We're going to a dance, is she ready by chance?" Again the farmer thought it was cute and let them go. Soon came another knock on the door with yet another young man standing there. He said, "My name is Moe. I'm here to get Flo. We're going to a show. Is she ready to go?" Once again the farmer thought it was cute and he let them go. Again there was a knock on the door and a young man was standing there. He said, "My name is Chuck..." The farmer shot him.


The Redneck Dictionary of Medical Terms

Benign.........................What you be after you be eight.
Artery..........................The study of paintings.
Bacteria.......................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.........................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section.......The Italian part of town.
CATscan......................Searching for kitty.
Cauterize......................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.............................A sheep dog.
Coma...........................A punctuation mark.
D & C..........................Where Washington is.
Dilate...........................To live long.
Enema.........................Not a friend.
Fester..........................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula...........................A small lie.
Genital.........................Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series...................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail......................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent.......................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane
Morbid.........................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates........................Cheaper than day rates.
Node.............................I knew it.
Outpatient....................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear..................A fatherhood test
Pelvis...........................Second Cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room..........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum.........................Damn near killed him.
Secretion......................Hiding something.
Seizure..........................Roman emperor.
Tablet............................A small table
Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor............................A couple extra.
Urine.............................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose.......................Near by/close by.


Hypothetical Thoughts

* Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
* Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
* If a cow laughs, does milk come out her nose?
* Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
* If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
* I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
* After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
* I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
* Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
* Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
* Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
* Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
* What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
* If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
* When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
* How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
* Why do they wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
* What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
* Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?


Bubba died in a fire and his body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body. So they called up his two friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe, to ID the body. Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Jim-Bob said "Boy, he's burnt purdy bad. Roll him over. The mortician rolled him over. Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said "No, dat ain't Bubba." The mortician didn't see anything unusual about the corpse's backside, but he didn't say anything. Instead, he brought in Billy-Joe. Billy-Joe looked at the body and said "Yep, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said "No, dat ain't Bubba." The mortician said, "How can you tell?" Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician. "Yep. Everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time the three of us went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."


One bright Sunday morning Cindy and Mark took their eight year old son, Johnny, to church. They sat right in the front so Johnny could get all the benefits from church. But as we know eight year old boys do not like church at all. Especially little Johnny. Halfway through the pastor's sermon Johnny fell asleep. The pastor noticed this, and it was distracting him from preaching. He decided to go over to Johnny and ask him a question about God.

"Son, do you know who created all the heavens and earth?"

His mother, Cindy, who did not want to be embarrassed by her son falling asleep, suck a pin in her son's right butt cheek.

"GOD!!!!" Cried little Johnny.

"Very good," the pastor replied. For he could not say it was wrong. And he continued on.

But a short while later, Johnny fell asleep again. The pastor once again noticed this and decided to ask another question "Who was Mary and Joseph's son?" The pastor asked.

Johnny's dad, Mark, did not want to be embarrassed either, so he stuck a pin in his son's left butt cheek.

"JESUS CHRIST!!!!" Yelled Johnny.

And once again the pastor replied "Very good."

Near the end of the church service, Johnny could not control himself and fell asleep again. For the last time, the pastor decided to embarrass him and ask a very hard question. "What did Eve say to Adam on the morning when they woke up on the first day?"

But before Johnny's parents could do anything Johnny shouted "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'M GOING TO TAKE IT AND BREAK IT IN HALF!


These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University of Texas Medical Branch in Galveston...

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.


BJ ETIQUETTE FOR MEN
(AS IF SPOKEN BY A WOMAN)

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw,it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you. 11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behaviour to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning"


Johnny

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking."

"Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replys.

"Here's another: it's long, yello, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it."

"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"

"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"


This actually happened at Harvard University in October of this year.

In a biology class, the prof was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?" "That's correct", responded the prof, going on to add statistical info.Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class... and never returned.However, as she was going out the door, the Prof's reply was classic... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."


Things NOT to say to the nice police officer:
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Bad cop! No donut!
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
So, uh, you on the take, or what?
Gee, Officer! That's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are.
What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Hey, can you give me another one of those full body cavity searches?


New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are ten commandments, not twelve.
3. There were twelve disciples, not ten.
4. The communion wafer is consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not generally referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper He said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.


Some Weird Facts

* If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
* If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb
. * The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to squirtblood 30 feet.
* Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
* Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
* On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
* The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.
* It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
* You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
* Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
* Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
* Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?
* Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
* In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
* A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
* A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
* The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
* Polar bears are left handed.
* The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.
* The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field.
* A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.
* The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.
* Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
* Butterflies taste with their feet.
* Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. (thankfully)
* A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
* An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
* Starfishes haven't got brains.
* After reading all these, all I can say is....Lucky Pig


On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she would stash the quarters in her room. I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and she carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big... Very big... An intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen, even if one of them is awfully black. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered, ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but knew they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the elevator was all too obvious. Her face burned. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her: Do what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. She lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my man here to hit the floor," one of the men, the average sized one, told her, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am. He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing. She thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were robbing you? She didn't know. The 3 of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them laughing while they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband. The next morning flowers were delivered to her room ~ a dozen roses. Attached to each rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. A card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years." It was signed,
Eddie Murphy and Bodyguard.


A woman dies and goes to heaven. She is horrified to see another woman screaming in pain as St. Peter drills holes into her shoulders to fasten the wings. Then she hears a man screaming and sees them drilling holes in his head to fasten the halo. "Screw You!" she tells St. Peter. "I'll go to the other place." "You don't want to go there," he replies. "They'll rape and sodomize you down there." "I don't care" she answers. "At least I already have the holes for that!"


WHAT AM I????

THIS USEFUL TOOL, COMMONLY FOUND IN THE RANGE OF 8 INCHES LONG.
THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS ENJOYED BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES. IS USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING LOOSELY, READY FOR INSTANT ACTION.
IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS AT ONE END AND SMALL HOLE AT THE OTHER. IN USE, IT IS INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY, SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE IT IS THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION, OFTEN QUICKLY AND ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS. ANYONE FOUND LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS. WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES BEHIND A JUICY, FROTHY, STICKY SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE OUTER SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND SOME OF FROM ITS LONG GLISTENING SHAFT. AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED EMANATING, IT IS RETURNED TO ITS FREELY HANGING STATE OF REST, READY FOR YET ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION, HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE TIMES A DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS.

WHAT AM I???????

AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED, THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN..........

.....TOOTHBRUSH!!!! What were you thinking?

You PERVERT!


A New Diet Method

A rather chubby fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor had ordered him to lose 75 pounds. The next thing he read was an advertisement for a "guaranteed" weight-loss program. He called and subscribed to the three-day, 10-pound weight-loss program. The next day, there was a knock at his door. When he answered, there stood an athletic 21-year-old model dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and wearing a sign around her neck. She introduced herself as a representative of the weight-loss company. The sign read, "If you can catch me, you can have me." So he took off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally caught her and had his way with her. For two days, the same girl showed up and the same thing happened each time. On the fourth day, the man weighed himself, and sure enough he had lost 10 pounds. He decided he liked his somewhat slender physique, not to mention the method of "treatment," so he called the company back and subscribed to its five-day, 20-pound weight-loss program. He thought that losing 20 pounds in only five days seemed like a lot, but he was intrigued by what the "workout" schedule might be like this time. The next day there was a knock at his door. When he answered it there stood a 25-year-old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and wearing a sign around her neck. She introduced herself as a representative of the weight-loss company. The sign read, "If you can catch me, you can have me." He was out the door like a shot. It took a while to catch her. But when he did it was worth every cramp. After six days, he weighed himself and unbelievably, he had lost 20 pounds. "I love this company," he thought to himself. "I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun!" Feeling much better about himself, he decided to go for broke and subscribe to the company's seven-day, 50-pound weight-loss program. "Are you sure, sir?" asked the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he said. "I love your program. I haven't felt this good in years!" The next day there was a knock at his door, and the man enthusiastically answered it. There stood a 200-pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and wearing a sign around his neck. He introduced himself as a representative of the weight-loss company. The sign read, "If I can catch you, I can have you."